Good Like Sunkist, Made Me Wanna Know: Who Done This?

The answer to the above is, quite obviously, Marky Mark. I love Mark Wahlberg. I mean, oh my God I just absolutely love him. Usually, I don't really go in for beefcake, so the response Wahlberg elicits from my lady parts is a somewhat unexpected one. For the most part, the men I crush on, celebrity-wise, are sort of weird looking, dark and/or mysterious, waifish or schlubby, artsy and probably gay. That's just my style, I guess. And then there's Mark. Oh, Mark. Mark Wahlberg makes me want to put a giant, poster-sized version of his Calvin Klein advertisement on my wall and draw a big red heart around his head in permanent marker, along with "Sab & Marky Mark 4EVA." You know, just like Mark himself did in the masterpiece "Fear"; just knifed "Nicole 4EVA" all up on those glistening pecs. I also consider that Mark is not so much acting in any of his films as he is displaying facets of his actual persona. Thus, I've not bothered to learn the name of Marky's character in "Fear," even though I think about "Fear" and how it applies to my life at least once a week, because as far as I'm concerned that was just Marky Mark demonstrating what would happen if he had a psychotic break and Alyssa Milano were hanging around wearing a high waisted thong.

Maybe I like Mark Wahlberg because he doesn't seem like he'd be very smart and there's something strangely comforting about the thought of falling asleep in the strong arms of a Boston accent. On the other hand, maybe I like Marky Mark because I think he's secretly SO smart. Like, tortured genius level of intellect. Maybe I like that I can totally picture Mark Wahlberg secretly sitting in a dimly lit room, reading, oh, I dunno, "Waiting for Godot" or some other piece of existential literature, pausing, mid page, to look into the single flickering, fluorescent light and saying, so quietly not even he is sure he's spoken aloud "Why doesn't anybody take me SERIOUSLY?" And maybe that question would be fair. Mark Wahlberg works so hard! Just think of all the enjoyable films he's been in! Maybe not GREAT films, but films you'd watch. Films you'd watch and probably say "Oh, that's Mark Wahlberg. You know, I actually really enjoy watching him on camera. He seems to be a pretty hard working actor. I wonder why nobody takes him seriously?"

There's no reason Mark Wahlberg shouldn't be taken seriously; he seems like a great guy! I picture Mark hanging with all of his bros at a basketball court in Southie (is Marky Mark even from Southie? I just assume everyone from Boston is from a hardscrabble, Catholic, Southie upbringing). Mark is obviously wearing some sort of stained wife beater, or possibly no shirt at all. Look at that crazy Mark! I know he sleeps around, but he just seems so sweet! I bet he's really good to his mom. See how he ties that bandana around his head?! Watch as he sensually poses against a chain link fence. Oh, now he's using two cinderblocks as weights! I guess that's how they do it in hardscrabble Southie! No real weights, just two cinderblocks on either end of some industrial rebar stolen from the foundation of the new bank building that seems like it will just NEVER be finished. But then, that's Southie: broken dreams as far as the eye can see. The only distraction from disappointment is to hone one's shimmering pectorals and make love under the influence of Guinness on all those cold, cold Boston nights. Is that the woman who sings on "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)?" You know, the kind of fat lady with the impressive wail that they replaced in the video? God, that skinny bitch's lip sync-ing was AWFUL. Just the worst. America's obsession with weight is so embarrassing.

I really don't know very much about the actual life of Mark Wahlberg. My research for this blog consisted of watching the "Good Vibrations" video on repeat and looking at a lot of shirtless photos. Didn't Marky Mark get married not long ago? To a lady he had a kid or two with? I'm not entirely sure about this because it's the sort of news I would hear, process, then choose to ignore upon deciding its effect on my fantasies of having a Funky Bunch reunion tour made in my honor would be entirely too negative. I did recently read a blurb where Mark himself claimed he was in talks to make a movie with teen heartthrob, Justin Bieber. My response to this gossip was first "WHAT?!" and then "OMG FINALLY!!" Mark needs to be on film more often. Particularly in the sort of fun, frothy films which would star Justin Bieber and allow me to fantasize about hanging out with my husband, Mark, and his little bro (though they're not genetically related, just close from their time in the orphanage in Southie,) Justin. "Mark!" I'd say "Don't fight over me!" I'd have to say this a lot because Mark would often be jealous of strange men. "Oh baby," he'd respond, face streaked with tears, belying his tough talk, "Oh, baby it just drives me crazy to see anyone look at you that way." And I would smile, because I'd know he'd care. Then, my love, Mark Wahlberg, would rip off his shirt. "You drive, Biebz," he'd command, one beefy arm looped round my shoulder, and we'd all share a good laugh as the Corvette stuttered into the sunset, because Justin is not a very good driver. Not a very good driver at all.